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book by Marshall B. Rosenberg

This is one the best books I've ever read. I've read few dozens of self improvement and psychology books, but did not have a clue what this book is talking about. I would recommend it to everyone, including teenagers.

I did a small experiment and after reading each chapter I've created a summary list of highlights, first as a lesson for me to revisit each chapter and short list I could come back to in the future.

Chapter 1: Giving from the Heart

The Heart of Nonviolent Communication

“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.

—Marshall Rosenberg”

Introduction

NVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.

A Way To Focus Attention

We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.

Let’s shine the light of consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are seeking.

The NVC Process

Four components of NVC:

observation
feeling
needs
request”

Two parts of NVC:

expressing honesty through the four components
receiving empathically through the four components”

Applying NVC In Our Lives And World

Summary

Chapter 2: Communication That Blocks Compassion

Overview

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. For as you judge others, so you will yourselves be judged . . .
— Holy Bible, Matthew 7:

Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our natural state of compassion

Moralistic Judgments

In the world of judgments, our concern centers on WHO “IS” WHAT.

Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.

Classifying and judging people promote violence.

Making Comparisons

Comparisons are a form of judgment.

Denial Of Responsibility

Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

Other Forms Of Life-Alienating Communication

We can never make people do anything.

Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.

Life-alienating communication has deep philosophical and political roots.

Summary

Chapter 3: Observing Without Evaluating

Overview

“OBSERVE!! There are few things as important, as religious, as that.”
— Frederick Buechner, minister

When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.

The Highest Form Of Human Intelligence

Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations

Summary

“The most arrogant speaker we’ve ever had!”

Chapter 4: Identifying and Expressing Feelings

The Heavy Cost Of Unexpressed Feelings

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

Feelings Versus Non-Feelings

Distinguish feelings from thoughts.

Distinguish between WHAT WE FEEL and WHATWE THINK we are.

Distinguish between WHAT WE FEEL and HOW WE THINK others react or behave toward us.

Building A Vocabulary For Feelings

Summary

Chapter 5: Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings

“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.”
—Epictetus

Hearing A Negative Message: Four Options

What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.

Four options for receiving negative messages:

Blaming ourselves
Blaming others
Sensing our own feelings and needs
Sensing others’ feelings and needs

Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated out of guilt.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel . . . because I . . .”

The Needs At The Roots Of Feelings

Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.

If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.

Autonomy
Celebration
Integrity
Interdependence
Spiritual Communion
Physical Nurturance
Play

The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain Of Not Expressing Our Needs

If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.

From Emotional Slavery To Emotional Liberation

First stage: Emotional slavery: we see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.

Second stage: “Obnoxious”: we feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
Third stage: Emotional liberation: we take responsibility for our intentions and actions

Summary

“Bring back the stigma of illegitimacy!”

Chapter 6: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

Using Positive Action Language

“Use positive language when making requests.”

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want

Vague language contributes to internal confusion.

Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”

Making Requests Consciously

It may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do when we simply express our feelings.

We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.

Requests unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs may sound like a demand.

The clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.

Asking For A Reflection

To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.

Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.

Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.

Requesting Honesty

After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know

(a) what the listener is feeling;
(b) what the listener is thinking; or
(c) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.

Making Requests Of A Group

In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting back.

Requests Versus Demands

When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: submit or rebel.

How to tell if it’s a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.

It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.

It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt-trip.

It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.

Defining Our Objective When Making Requests

Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.

Summary

Sharing Fears About A Best Friend’s Smoking

Chapter 7: Receiving Empathically

The two parts of NVC: —expressing honestly —receiving empathically

Presence: Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There

Empathy: emptying the mind and listening with our whole being

Ask before offering advice or reassurance.

Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.

Listening For Feelings And Needs

No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (a) observing, (b) feeling, (c) needing, and (d) requesting.

Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking about us.

Paraphrasing

When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.

Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.

Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.

Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs.

A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.

Paraphrasing saves time.

Sustaining Empathy

Staying with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.

We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when a. we sense a release of tension, or b. the flow of words comes to a halt.

When Pain Blocks Our Ability To Empathize

We need empathy to give empathy.

Summary

A Wife Connects With Her Dying Husband

Chapter 8: The Power of Empathy

Empathy That Heals

Empathy allows us “to reperceive [our] world in a new way and move on.”

“Don’t just do something. . . .”

It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.

Empathy And The Ability To Be Vulnerable

The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.

We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.

Using Empathy To Defuse Danger

Empathize, rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person.

When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.

It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.

Empathy In Hearing Someone's " No! "

Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally.

Empathy To Revive A Lifeless Conversation

To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy.

What bores the listener bores the speaker too.

Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.

Empathy For Silence

Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.

Empathy lies in our ability to be present.

Summary

Chapter 9: Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

Overview

The most important use of NVC may be in developing self-compassion.

We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.

Evaluating Ourselves When We've Been Less Than Perfect

Avoid “shoulding” yourself!

Translating Self-Judgments And Inner Demands

Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

NVC Mourning

NVC mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions which we now regret.

Self-Forgiveness

NVC self-forgiveness : connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action which we now regret.

The Lesson Of The Polka-Dotted Suit

We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.

" Don't do anything that isn't play! "

We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.

Translating " Have to " To " Choose to "

With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.

Cultivating Awareness Of The Energy Behind Our Actions

for money
for approval
to escape punishment
to avoid shame

Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or the approval of others, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.

to avoid guilt
out of duty

The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”

Summary

Chapter 10: Expressing Anger Fully

Overview

Killing people is too superficial.

Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause

We are never angry because of what others say or do.

To motivate by guilt, mix up stimulus and cause.

The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.

All Anger Has A Life-Serving Core

When we judge others, we contribute to violence.

Use anger as a wake-up call.

Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions.

Stimulus Versus Cause: Practical Implications

When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings.

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.

We recall four options when hearing a difficult message:

Blaming ourselves

Blaming others

Sensing our own feelings and needs

Sensing others’ feelings and needs
Judgments of others contribute to selffulfilling prophecies.

Four Steps To Expressing Anger

Steps to expressing anger:

Stop. Breathe.

Identify our judgmental thoughts.

Connect with our needs.

Express our feelings and unmet needs.

Offering Empathy First

The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.

Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds without judging them.

When we hear the other person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.

Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.

People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault

Taking Our Time

Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need.

Take your time.

Summary

Parent And Teen Dialog A Life-Threatening Issue

Chapter 11: The Protective Use Of Force

The Thinking Behind The Use Of Force

The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.

Types Of Punitive Force

Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying parental demands.

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.

The Costs Of Punishment

When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values.
Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.

Two Questions That Reveal The Limitations Of Punishment

Question 1: What do I want this person to do?
Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?

The Protective Use Of Force In Schools

###Summary

Chapter 12: Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others

Freeing Ourselves From Old Programming

We can liberate ourselves from cultural conditioning.

Resolving Internal Conflicts

To be able to hear our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression.

Caring For Our Inner Environment

Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.

Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.

Defuse stress by empathizing with others.

Replacing Diagnosis With NVC

I empathized with clients instead of interpreting them; I revealed myself instead of diagnosing them.

Summary

Dealing With Resentments And Self-Judgment

Chapter 13: Expressing Appreciation In Nonviolent Communication

The Intention Behind The Appreciation

Compliments are often judgments—however positive—of others.

Express appreciation as a way to celebrate, not to manipulate.

The Three Components Of Appreciation

the actions that have contributed to our well-being;

the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled; and

the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs